My Parents' Visit

[browngirl]

Well, they gave me the lectures on my weight and my misuse of my talents that I was expecting last time. At least they also bought me some shrimp, and told me they love me.



My parents, after getting lost and finding their way again, took me out to eat shrimp at the Chinese restauraunt I like in town. Over several dishes of shrimp and veggies, they asked me about how I'm doing, asked after Tigerlily and WD and Wolf and spinrabbit. Then they lectured me at length about my weight (we don't want you to die, etc) and told me about their accomplishments in losing weight; for the first time in my life, my father weighs less than I do. I'm impressed.

Still, Lord do they go on. And on and on. Also, it's weird to be being lectured while being fed at the same time, and it's always amusing to see what the bribe will be; this time it was an all-expenses-paid trip to Jamaica if I lose 50 pounds by October.

They also commented on my career, or rather, current lack of one. They reminded me of the Parable of the Talents. (paraphrased: a man going away on a trip gave his servants one talent each. When he returned he rewarded the ones who had invested their talents and returned theirs fivefold or tenfold, and punished the ones who lost their talent or simply buried it.) They told me that I should be teaching at the school, and about All The People who ask about me All The Time and who would be inspired by me if I really accomplished stuff. They compared me to a musician who only plays music in his basement where no one else can hear, and told me I have myriad talents, the seven that Jesus had, and I should not bury them. Despite the long description of this conversation, they actually went on less about this than about my weight.

Oh, and the waitress angled for a tip very cutely, by 1) noticing that I'm my father's daughter and 2) claiming that my father must be rich. It sounds lame and pushy, but she was cute about it.

Then my parents prayed over me, and told me they love me and to take care of myself, and took off for NYC.





Sometimes I look around myself at work, and see how I'm the only Black person on staff (only non-White one, no less, at the moment, unless I'm forgetting someone) and I'm the receptionist. Then I remember that I was hired to be intelligent at work, not despite my intelligence, and thank God for my job. They need me to be smart and understand how an university works. I end up using lots of my brain at work.

I wish I could explain that to my parents, or explain that I'm Just Not A Teacher to them. Really. I know what my talents are. I don't have all seven that Jesus had (and isn't comparing one's child to a deity a good way to get into trouble? I don't want to end up like Andromeda, chained to a rock for a sea monster to eat). I admit, I'm currently lying fallow and perhaps I should rediscover my ambition. I should think about where I want to be when I'm forty, which is only thirteen years away. But, I Will Do It On My Own Schedule, and everyone who's allegedly looking up to me can just look up to me for being stubborn and searching out my own path. Or something.





Before I start this section: I'm searching for answers for myself. No judgement or condemnation of anyone else implied. I'm particularly delicate on this subject, so I am warning now that flames will be, in this case, deleted.

So, my parents are on my case about my weight, again. They have been my whole life. Still....I've been thinking recently, about trying to work into my life the energy to exercise more (I live on a steep hill, I should take advantage of it), continuing to change my eating habits for the better, and so on. I'm not as healthy as I'd like to be, and although I don't care to focus on weight loss, I think losing weight would, in addition to other steps, help me become healthier.

BUT.

For me, weight loss is infinetely tangled with issues of control, punishment, and deprivation. My parents advised me to 'cut out' sugar and butter and chocolate. They advised me to fast one day a week (at least it's a reasonable fast, from right after dinner one day to dinner the next). They told me to stop cooking for my friends, and so on, and so forth. (That last smote me to the heart.) They extended yet another bribe if I lose weight. I don't want to do these things; cutting down is one thing, and I will continue to try to do it, but marking certain foodstuffs as 'forbidden' is a good way to get myself to eventually binge on them. I don't want them to send me to Jamaica contingent on my losing weight. And I certainly don't want to give up one of my favorite hobbies, creating food for my friends, and I don't see why I should.

Besides....every time I have gone on a diet in my life I've fuelled it with self-loathing. I'm afraid of falling into that trap again. That's why I want to approach this as self-improvement, not concentrate on *losing* weight (and therefore on not eating), not feel as if I'm punishing myself. It scares me to even think of doing *that*. My parents' way....I don't want it. I don't know if I can do this without falling into it.

Comments

Hugs

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

Nye, I think you're getting into my t-shirt drawer again. This sounds so much like me...

I used to be a diet counselor, if you can believe that. LOL. Wouldn't know it to look at me now, wouldja?

Screw the bribe. That's not going to be enough reason for you. Let it go. You have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to diet.

When I was, well, younger than you are, I swore a mighty oath filled with fireworks that by GOD I was never going to diet again. The reason was very, very simple. Every damned time I dieted, I was fatter a year later and nuts from self-deprivation.

I'm lousy at dieting. I mean, really lousy at it. Yes, I know, I've just lost 20 pounds, but that's because I've found something that works well for me and I don't feel deprived. So, I'm not really dieting in my mind. That may be the key. (I love a lot of the foods I can eat on Atkins and don't feel bad about not eating bread -- and I am a SKILLED baker...)

I think that until you want to do it for yourself and have good reasons for doing so that you have a positive emotional connection to, just... let it go for awhile. I won't pretend that being heavy is perfectly healthy, but self hatred is worse -- much worse.

Your talents and abilities? Honey, they're YOURS. Fuck anyone who tells you how to use them. The Beast has a voice like a GOD. He is not wasting that by singing to suit himself, and not professionally. He's using his talent joyfully in a manner that pleases him. Yeah, you're smart as all hell and talented as all hell. True enough. It might be that making a living out of your talents would make you very happy. But it might take the joy out of it, too. (For instance, I would be very unlikely to sew professionally, though I'll sew for friends, family and myself and it is fun. I don't think the pressure of a client would make it fun). You own yourself and your talents. While my agreement isn't really important, I do think you choosing to do things in your own way and time is a good one. It's not as if you're a dancer or football player and will have to retire in your mid thirties or anything.

Re: Hugs

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

I won't pretend that being heavy is perfectly healthy, but self hatred is worse -- much worse.

That's one for the quote books. Thanks!

[drglam]

Compromise. Keep your blood pressure & cholesterol levels in a healthy range, get plenty of cardiovascular exercise, and let your weight be where it will.

Hugs!

Trivial question.....

[kayre]

Seven talents of Jesus? I haven't heard such a summary-- can you explain, or point me to a resource? Thanks!

Re: Trivial question.....

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Frankly, I have no idea what they were on about.

Sorry. :)

Re: Trivial question.....

[kayre]

Aw rats, it sounded interesting!

[kathrynt.livejournal.com]

Mail me. I have weight loss / health improvement advice for you, but some of it's personal enough that I don't feel like getting into it here.

for what its worth

[andreas_schaefer]

I think you are on the right way. Certainly cooking for youir friends is one of your talents. As for teaching: I don't know why you say it is not your talent ( meaning I can't judge if you are right or not ) but just in case, are you sure you tried it with the right subjects? Maybe teaching cooking would be different.

I agree with your decision: accept no bribes.
I also know from my own experience that I can diet better if I am happy. So the way to slimming would be to be happy with yourself and then start on selfimprovement.

LOTS more sex..

[paganmommy.livejournal.com]

I could schedule you in... *flipping pages of date book*
*grin*

I do feel your pain, you may not realize it. I know that you see me differently than you see yourself, but in our hearts, there is a similarity that has little to do with dress size and much to do with our feelings about that number. We want to be okay with it. It shouldn't be important. For short times we know that we are pretty, and desirable, because someone will tells us that in some way, but left to our own, those small chorus' of voices will remind us that some how we simply aren't good enough, that there is too much of us. ***hugs*** Love yourself first. Until you can do that, you won't feel you are worth enough to be healthy, and healthy is what matters, right? Maybe, once you get that going, you will want to lose some weight. Maybe, just maybe, you will be okay with the way you are. Maybe "healthy" will take care of it for you. Regardless, the first step has to be finding the things about you that are worth being healthy for. :) I know you are, but can't give you the knowing, that is up to you.
Oh, and the talents thing? You are using them. Sounds to me as if possibly, and I do NOT mean this to be disrespectful of you father, I know he means well, but maybe he is getting a little too caught up in his pride. He doesn't have something to point to to show off his little girl that is obvious, but dammit, you ARE doing things, cooking for your friends, your giving and kind nature, your artwork, your work at the school... all of these things are using your talents AND making a difference. They simply don't come with a degree to point to, but that isn't your problem, that has to be his to deal with. I will pray for him. :)
Now young lady... about scheduling that exersize......

Re: LOTS more sex..

[happypete.livejournal.com]

Michele, you and Nye are both beautiful...yeah, I could be in better shape, and I intend to be. I was doing really well on Weight Watchers, trite as that might seem with all the latest fads out there...

I did well on it when I did it.

Need to get into the exercise thing. I have memberships in two gyms and use neither.

[gingicat]

Remember, I'm on a diet now because of very real and true health reasons, not because anyone has told me I look awful. I'd be more than happy to have one of my roomies, particularly a good cook, on the same diet. :)

I told my dad some years ago that I would not discuss my weight with him. Period. And I don't; when this whole PCOS thing came up, I discussed it with Mom, because she *understands* what it's like to have my body; I inherited it from her, after all. But it sounds like neither of your parents quite understand you, so it's time to put your foot down. You are living and eating for you, not them, not a trip to Jamaica (and you couldn't lose 50 pounds by October without doing the EXTREMELY unhealthy regimen they propose *and* finding an exercise coach).

I do worry, though, about the fact that even with my newly creaky joints, I can walk home from Oak Grove and you can't. Not because of your weight, but because you're six years younger than me and *should* be healthier.

Love you.

[cellio]

Major change of any sort, including weight loss, will happen if and only if you want it to happen. What your parents want, and are willing to bribe you for, isn't relevant.

As you said, cutting your favorite foods out completely is a fast track to binging. The key is moderation, not elimination.

You might be able to move toward a healthier diet (which may or may not involve weight loss) by changing some of what you eat, rather than how much you eat. If you can get into the habit of snacking on carrot sticks intead of potato chips, eating turkey or chicken instead of beef more often, putting more fish into your diet (things like cod, haddock, etc), and so on, you may get some weight loss as a side effect while improving the health situation.

I've found keeping a food log, with a nuitrition/calorie tracker, to be helpful. I started this as an exercise in data collection so that I would have actual information to take to a dietician for advice. In fact, though, I've never gone to see the dietician. I found that, because I "knew" I'd be showing this list to someone else and it does no good if you're not honest, I was sometimes embarrassed to record a candy bar, so I ate a piece of fruit instead. I noticed that certain changes led to lower calorie levels, and I found myself setting a daily target that I have tried to stick to. (1600, in case you're wondering. I'm pretty sedintary.) Sometimes I'll know that I'm, say, going to a party that'll have lots of good food on Saturday night, so I'll "save up" a little during the week. (That's an idea I stole from friends who do Weight Watchers.) I've lost 30 pounds since September, while still being pretty lazy about the exercise aspect.

So I'm just trying to point out that you don't have to go all or nothing, Do Dieting For Real, etc to see effects. Do whatever works for you to heighten your own awareness of the relevant issues, and I'll bet you'll see some results.

And do not stop cooking for your friends. I haven't had the opportunity to partake yet. :-)

[griffen.livejournal.com]

Um... What they said. *gestures upward*

The other thing is this: I would rather spend what time I have available to me allowing myself the maximum happiness rather than depriving myself of it.

I feel happier when I'm big. I know I've posted about this in another entry a while back.

And I think you're beautiful just the way you are.

I would take Tigerlily's tack and tell your parents that your weight is a taboo subject, and be firm about it. Guilt will not help you.

*hugs lots*

[jim-p.livejournal.com]

{HUGS!}

Here's a couple of perhaps novel ways of looking at the situation; I don't know if bringing them to your parents' attention will be at all useful; sounds to me like they're tough nuts to crack when it comes to seeing the world in any way other than the way THEY want to see it. Still, it might be useful to the way you see things.

On the subject of talent: Your parents may claim that you have a talent for X, and so according to the Parable of the Talents you are required to develop that talent to the fullest. Here's the fallacy in that argument (modified for their point of view): in fact only God knows what talent(s) you have, and the first phase of your life's work is to find out what they are. A lot of people mistake early tendencies or facilities for true callings and spend miserable lives chasing those down when the true calling may lie elsewhere. Some people may be lucky in identifying their talents early. Others may have to wait until later. One oft-used example is the painter Grandma Moses (Anna Mary Robertson). She did not even begin painting until age 75, having finally found her calling. Perhaps that contributed to her longevity; she lived to 101, painting her way to the very end.

The point is, you may very well be in the very place God wants you to be right now... in a position to help people while at the same time observing the human condition. You direct people to the resources they need while presenting the public face of your employer. Perhaps that is exactly what you need to see and do for the moment.

Too many people believe that if we don't have our lives all figured out by the time we're 25 that we'll be ruined forever. Some folks can figure out their lives by 25, some (most?) can't. I believe the whole "mid-life crisis" thing happens because people wake up one day and relize that they were forced to pick a direction for themselves far sooner than they were ready to, and now they realize it was one they didn't want.

On the subject of weight loss and control: invoke the parable of the Chinese finger puzzle (perhaps pick up a couple of samples in Chinatown to illustrate). In many areas of human endeavour, the harder you try to control and will yourself to do something (e.g. pull yourself out of the puzzle) the less likely you will achieve your goal, and you may even hurt yourself trying. That's why by and large diets don't work; the harder you try the more you set yourself up to fail.

[gingicat]

On the subject of talent: Your parents may claim that you have a talent for X, and so according to the Parable of the Talents you are required to develop that talent to the fullest. Here's the fallacy in that argument (modified for their point of view): in fact only God knows what talent(s) you have, and the first phase of your life's work is to find out what they are. A lot of people mistake early tendencies or facilities for true callings and spend miserable lives chasing those down when the true calling may lie elsewhere.

*nod* I thought my calling was to be a teacher or writer. I've tried both and been miserable; my *calling* is actually to be a damn fine secretary. Which is a dying art, and I've learned to be proud of doing it well. Now if I could just explain that to *my* dad. :)

Rare Breed

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

Rachel, I applaud you. I wish to goodness we had more people who did have a calling for the job, because the good ones who have a passion for their work are desperately needed. (If the market realized how much so, I think your salery might be higher...)

Re: Rare Breed

[cellio]

Yes! People who are good at this job and enjoy it are rare and should be treated well.

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

...They advised me to fast one day a week...

"Ah," says my sweetie, "It's not just that they're stubborn, it's that they're /stupid/."

...fuelled it with self-loathing...

Yeah. Exactly. Thinking it out beforehand is definitely good. The fact you can see it this clearly-- that's taken a lot of work, I expect.

(And, just to state the obvious, small steps first.)

[pickledginger.livejournal.com]

The self-loathing is bad.

The eliminate-every-food-that-you-like diet is bad.

The goal of losing 50 pounds in three months (what, 13 weeks?), that is just plain nuts.

But the one-day-a-week fast ... actually, I just read a study report about that; the researchers found that a 24-hour fast once a week did encourage weight loss, but didn't seem to have the adverse health effects they'd expected.
::shrugs::
Might be worth a go.

D'oh!

[pickledginger.livejournal.com]

On second thought ...

::first thought: browngirl doesn't eat = browngirl gets fragile, feeble, falls down = BAD IDEA!::

... forget the fasting concept. Not a good idea for somebody whose blood sugar is already out of control! (Been there - took me a few years of being careful to recover. No fun.)

You need to eat *more* frequently, not less. And would probably do better to avoid sweets and white-flour stuff, especially on their own. And .. hmm .. sounds a lot like TigerBright's food needs ...

Re: D'oh!

[juliansinger.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That.

And also, basically, I don't think fasting is a good idea for /anyone/ with something resembling Food Issues (and yes, that's a broad subset of people).

[pickledginger.livejournal.com]

I've seen it work for people who have issues with moderation. But yes, I can see how it easily could get out of control.

[fuzcat.livejournal.com]

It looks like you have received a lot of good advice, but I am going to put my $0.02 in anyway, mostly because of where I am right now.

I am not terribly concerned about my weight. Most of my friends and loved ones could careless if I weigh 150 or 250 pounds. I have been thinking more and more about health though. I decided I want to eat better, because, well, I want to eat better. I love fresh vegetables, I don’t always get everything I want because they can be expensive and go bad fairly quickly. This year I decided I didn’t care. I have been buying anything I want in the produce section and eating it as I like. I have also been doing a few other things like trying to eat more whole grains and less processed food. I have found that by letting myself eat nutritious stuff that I like, whenever I want, I don’t want the junk food as much.

I still eat the other stuff, just not as often. I find that I want it most when I am feeling lonely and/or depressed. I haven’t been denying myself these things when I feel that way, just making myself acknowledge why I want them. I have also been trying to drink more water. I have realized that I am completely incapable of telling when I am thirsty as opposed to hungry. Well, that is not entirely true anymore. I am actually starting to figure it out. I wanted to see if I was getting the nutrients I needed so I started tracking using Fitday (www.fitday.com) (which is a FREE site BTW). Not only was I doning pretty good at getting most of the nutrients I needed (and it tracks over time so you can see if you get them though out the week rather than trying to make the mark on everything every day) I found that when I let myself eat more nutritiously I ended up eating sometimes more food, but less calories. My body got what it wanted and I probably averaged about 1000 less calories a day.

My weight doesn’t fluctuate. It has stayed in a 3-pound range over the last several years. I get weighed every three months when I go in for my depro shot. The doctor was really surprised this time (and so was I), because I had lost 16 pounds. Will I continue to lose weight, don’t know and don’t know if I care. (Although the thought of having to buy new clothes is a bit irritating. I hate shopping) I know that I feel better.

I also know that I have more energy. This is important because I love going up to Vermont and spending time in the woods. I have next week off and plan on spending some time up there. If you feel like getting out of town and coming camping some weekend let me know.

I think that the whole point of this long rant with waaaaaay to much information about what I am up to is… being healthy is good. If you want to be healthier so you can enjoy life more that is a good goal. The enjoying life part is the important part though. What ever you decided, don’t make yourself miserable over it.

[fuzcat.livejournal.com]

The last bit got to long, but I did want to say something about wasting your talents too…

Are they crazy? You use your talents to make people happy. You cooking, your artwork, you compassionate nature. You use all these things to bring joy to people. That is so not a waste.

[odanu.livejournal.com]

If you choose to lose weight, do it for you. I see tigerbright is trying to lose weight, and I do know that it's easier to lose weight (for both of you) with support, but it's not about what your parents want. It's about what you want.

BTW ....do not self loathe. You are beautiful. Glamour magazine did a big body positive issue this spring (I'm not generally a fan, but I picked it up when I was getting a hair cut and was greatly impressed), and one of the swimsuit models reminded me of you. Beautiful.

You're right

[mama-hogswatch.livejournal.com]

My whole family is doing Atkins. It does make it easier when everyone is doing it.

[sdorn.livejournal.com]

What the other comments say dovetail together: the same quality that will let you either not be bothered by your parents' nagging or get them to stop will also help you be more effective at getting a job/career that satisfies you more and help you develop and keep habits that make you feel healthier.

My particular formulation—if you're interested—is to say sweetly, with a smile, and without a hint of sarcasm, "Thank you for the advice, Mom." That tells her I love and honor her, I know she means well, and I will make up my own mind about the issue in question.

[poltr1]

If not for the fact that your dad's a minister, I would think the we have the same set of parents. :-)

My parents nag me about my weight as well, and they've done so for as long as I can remember. They cite the health problems on both sides of the family, and tell me that they mean well. Yeah right -- that's their "excuse". They've also been harping about my wife's weight as well, which bothers her to no end. (She already feels like she's persona non grata around them because she's not Catholic.)

Last year, I finally told them that what I was hearing from them was conditional love: that unless I was thin and be the perfect son that they envisioned, that I wouldn't be good enough for them. I vowed to balloon up to 300 pounds out of sheer spite alone. My sister finally told them off in a way they'd understand: keep dinging at us and you'll never see your granddaughter. I think they've finally accepted that my (and my wife's) weight issues are my own.

If you're open to suggestions, I can share with you what I've been doing the past several months. If you want to try it out for yourself, that's great; if not, that's OK too. The choice is up to you.

[aiglet.livejournal.com]

Blergh. I think you're taking that much better than I would have, honestly, and I admire you for it.

I think that "diet" is a four letter word that should be dragged out and shot.

There's a difference between "I am going to try to eat food that is better for me (and probably tastes better) and take advantage of my cooking skills to have my friends help me in my quest for healthier eating" and "I am going to deprive myself of everything that could possibly taste good in a quixotic quest to make other people happier with me" nu?

::hug::

[ororo.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

The bribe is nothing more than an assertion of control. I know wherefrom I speak.

My parents once threatened to not let me go to a party unless I weighed less than 100 pounds. When the scale said 99 that day (I was 15), I was told, "Well the scale's light, but you can go anyway."

When you're ready to lose weight, you'll do it for yourself.

Whatever you decide to do with your career, the choices are yours to make. No one else's.

*hugs*

what they said

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

And also, do it for you. Find your own reason. Maybe right now, you don't want to lose weight, you don't give a crud if you are healthy, and you're just flat sick of people thinking bribing you is a good idea. And then stand up, declare that out loud, in public, to whom it concerns, and then just bloody well go live your own life and your choices for a while about your body, bugger all what anybody else thinks.

And then, if you feel like it, you're welcome to join me on my "diet". I'm striving to following the new food pyramid. I'm striving to actually eat the full 2000 calories a day, not much more or much less. And I'm striving to excercise for 1 hour every single day. And I've made a promise to myself that once I am achieving all three of those goals all the time, that I will love me and cherish my body as it is at whatever weight and size it is once that day comes.

Let me know, should you reach an understanding like that with yourself, and we can walk that road together. -H...

[bardling.livejournal.com]

Looks like others may already be saying so further down (haven't time to read all the comments), but my tw cents worth:

I think you're on to the main point - a diet won't work for you and certanly not long term. A fast weight loss is not all that healthy and also n ot likely to stay lost long term. What will work is a long term change of eating and living habits - and such a thing will only work under one condition, for one reason - that *you* *want* to do it.
So yes, ignore the bribe, ignore the pressure, and decide for yourself what steps you can take to improve your eating & living habits to become healthier. The kind of thing you're thinking of will have some weight loss as part of the effect, which will help.
I'd also take small, managable steps. Not "cut out all sugar" but perhaps, if you consider that to be a noticable factor, "I will reduce my sugar consumption by eating more wholesomely (your definition) and avoiding sugar where I can". Or "I will reserve chocolate as a special treat for myself and eat it only then" rather than "no chocolate". Like perhaps one less spoonful of sugar in one's tea to start with or something. I don't know your eating habits, but if you think about is as you seem to, you will see the opportunities that present themselves. Generally, drinking lots of water is helpful, eating slowly, so your body has time to get the info "thanks, I'm no longer hungry now, I'm full" from your stomach to your brain (takes about 20 minutes or so) - and stopping when you get that message, rather than finishing off your plates because it's a waste of food otherwise.

But the most important thing is - it's *your* life, *your* body, *your* health, *YOU* decide how to live it, what to do.
*hugs*

"Someone as intelligent as you should have a real career"

[ailbhe]

I get this from time to time. I'm working up enough courage to admit to my feminist sister that what I am actually going to do is stay home and have babies. The true answer is, of course, someone as intelligent as you should have the common sense to do jobs that you personally find rewarding and not soul-destroying. That could be teaching PhD students or it could be making coffee and salad sandwiches.

As for the diet - I have no advice. I eat whatever I want whenever I want and my weight stays within a 5lb range unless I'm ill and lose oooh, up to 7 lb. However, I was taught to consciously comfort eat by my mother when I was 13, and I walk a minimum of 2 miles a day just because I don't approve of cars and I'm too stingy to get public transport for a mile.

Possibly becoming conscious of what you eat and why might help. I don't know if you already are, of course. But I think that maybe if eating really is a significant part of why you are the shape and weight you are, then becoming aware of what you eat and when and why will make you change your habits sort of automatically; you'll find yourself just deciding to eat somethign else instead, or to do something else instead.

I am not a dieter or a doctor. In fact, I often disapprove of diets (though recently I've met people who are dieting sensibly, which has changed my mind a leeeetle). I have no qualifications.

You're intelligent enough to choose the right thing for you to do.

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Fwiw, I thought you were gorgeous when I met you, and unless you want to lose weight for your own reasons I see no reason why you should have to, certainly no justification for anyone else to tell you to.

And I'm three years older than you, and have no idea what I want to be doing when I'm forty beyond, and no plans to think about it for another five years.

Rest of what I wanted to say has been said better in other comments.

*hugs*

weight, etc.

[(Anonymous)]

*hugs*

As I said at games night, I recognize this game too. I'm not doing at all well with ignoring my mother's comments, so not much helpful to say...but let me recommend the book "Diets Don't Work", which was helpful to me once upon a time (and I want to get back into it).

J

[jenny_evergreen]

I confess, I only made it through about half of the comments, so forgive me if I repeat.
1. I think you are one of the most gorgeous people I know. Really.
2. I'm fat, and really pretty okay with that. It helps that Tom quite clearly thinks I'm gorgeous, but it also helps that I know that who I AM matters a hell of a lot more than what I look like.
3. I flat-out refuse to obsess about What I Eat. I never, ever, ever starve myself. I will not record my meals, or anything like that. To me, that's just another way to feel bad. I choose, instead, to remember that moderation is good. I eat smaller meals, but I snack throughout the day. (With my gastric reflux, I actually do best if I pretty much always have something in my stomach, even just a little something.) I have allowed myself to become aware that if I really love something, I can have a ton of it in one meal, or I can have it over several smaller meals...either way, I get it, and all of it, but the second way both lasts longer and is better for me. That's how I handle food.
4. I have discovered a kind of exercise I like (besides sex, which I also continue to do often), which is lifting weights. I started small, five lifts with each arm of a 15lb weight. After a while, that got easy, and I moved up to ten with each arm. Today, a few months since I started, I did ten with each arm in two different ways, plus 15 with each arm with a 25lb weight (plus some other stuff.) I'm stronger, and I have more endurance. It feels nice. I don't do it to lose weight, I do it because someday in the not too distant future, I'm going to have to be keeping up with a kid, and lugging said kid about, and so forth and so on, and it pays to be in shape, even if that shape is still very round. ;) Most importantly, I do it because it's comfortable for me, and I enjoy it (which I am quite surprised by.) So what I'm saying is that health is better than losing weight, and that the two do not inherently go hand in hand, and that you should do what is right for you, what is comfortable and what you enjoy, period.
Finally, I've discovered that EVERYTHING is easier if I take it in manageable chunks, even if those chunks have to be very, very, very small to be manageable. Just one step at a time, one small thing at a time, because the thing, in itself, is good.

On the job thing: What one does isn't just about one's talents...it's also about what calls to you, about what you enjoy, about what makes YOU feel accomplished, about what makes YOU feel good...I LOVE being a homemaker, and I bring all of my talents to bear on the task. Talents are TOOLS, not ENDS. You see?

BTW...another thing I had to learn was how to say No when I Just Don't Want To, and to be comfortable with that. I don't need reasons or excuses anymore. That has done me a world of good.

*hugs, hugs, and more hugs* Love you, dearheart.

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

Well, this brought up all kinds of thoughts in my head.

My parents also tried the bribe/guilt route with my weight. "If you want to go out Saturday you have to lose 10 pounds by then" (this to a child with an anemic social life to begin with). Then it was, "You'll never find a boy who likes you if you don't lose weight." Then the pictures of supermodels on all the cupboard doors. Then the withholding of treats.

It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I realized I had an eating disorder, and that my eating was not related to food at all - which is one reason no diet ever worked.

I still have a nasty allergic reaction to the word diet - it sends me on a binge every time. I just can't get past the anger/rage that wells up in me.

So, about 6 years ago I stopped dieting. I threw out my scales, and resolved to get stronger rather than worry about my weight. This accomplished two things - I did actually get stronger (even I'm impressed by my thigh muscles!), and I stopped gaining weight. Note that I didn't start losing - that took illness - but at least I stopped putting it on.

Now I have to regulate my diet for health reasons. This still causes me difficulty because the side effects of not controlling my diet are in the future, and the food is right now - but what I have done is worked on exercising.

I started with going for a walk. When I began it was just pitiful - I think I only managed a couple of hundred metres - but it's extraordinary how quickly you build stamina - within two months I was walking 4km.

So, while I totally empathize with the horribleness of parents going on about weight, I also see the health concerns, and wonder if, instead of dieting, you tried adding just a little exercise (no need to join the gym). Little things really do add up. I know you take public transit to work - is it feasible to get off a stop early and walk the rest of the way? How about a walk around the block after dinner - I bet you could get Tigerbright to go with you.

Hugs on the way.

Oh - and about the whole job thing? Do what makes you happy - it's the only thing that really matters in the long run.

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Big hugs... my parents do that too. Right down to the attempts at bribes, which are so inappropriate. And the "we don't want you to die" stuff - this weekend my father took the opportunity of our leaving the hospital where Grandpa was having severe lung trouble, to make another jab at that. (And Grandpa is slender.) At least the hints that I'll never have good work or love have stopped, since I've had plenty of both throughout my overweight years despite their dire predictions.

I don't think I'll ever be convinced that they really just have my health in mind, rather than their own sense of aesthetics. Or their sense of wanting to control. I mean, really, even if their concern was purely health-motivated... when you are concerned about someone, you tell them so *once*. Not repeatedly.

When they start this up, I generally tell them that it's inappropriate and that I refuse to have the conversation with them. Which typically stops the whole thing, at least until next visit.

My parents also lost weight recently (I also weigh more than my father does), and so they've got even more zeal about the whole thing now.

If you decide to lose weight, you need to do it for you, and you need to do it your way. I'm at the point of beginning to want to get in shape - for mobility reasons primarily - and I'm far enough past being reactive to my parents that their nagging won't be the setback that it might have been in earlier years. But I do know that if I end up losing weight, I won't want to hear any compliments from them either. Because compliments are also a form of judgement... and my weight is not something they should judge, in either direction. There are plenty of other attributes about me that are far more noteworthy.

Do they want to wreck your health?

[madbodger.livejournal.com]

That's about 13 weeks from now. Which works out to almost four pounds per week. Keep that up, and you'd be looking at liver and kidney damage.

[bikergeek.livejournal.com]

I don't feel I can let a post like this go by without comment, because I don't want you to think I'm ignoring what you have to say. But I've spoken my piece on your parents, and weight loss, and so forth more than a few times, and don't want to repeat myself and thereby bore you and everyone around us to death.

I love you. I support you in whatever choices you make, and believe that you should make those choices for yourself, rather than for me, or your parents, or anybody else.

[cappyhead.livejournal.com]

At some point in my adult relationship with my mother, I simply told her that my weight is not up for discussion. End of discussion.

Personally, I want to tell your parents to fuck off.

[erin-c-1978.livejournal.com]

Besides....every time I have gone on a diet in my life I've fuelled it with self-loathing. I'm afraid of falling into that trap again. That's why I want to approach this as self-improvement, not concentrate on *losing* weight (and therefore on not eating), not feel as if I'm punishing myself. It scares me to even think of doing *that*. My parents' way....I don't want it. I don't know if I can do this without falling into it.

I'm very much on the same page as you on this. It's only relatively recently, after several years of schooling myself not to hate the way I look or feel ashamed of how much I weigh, that I've been able to lose any weight at all on a permanent basis. I'd much rather approach weight loss and/or adopting a healthier lifestyle from a position of strength than from one of weakness, and desperation is pretty much the ultimate position of weakness. My past experience bears this out, too. The more I was scared shitless of weighing more than X number of pounds (what would the neighbors say! 9_9), the more likely I was to feel deprived and hungry all the time, and the more likely I was to go on a near-binge. Regardless of what some folks seem to think, shame has never been a good motivator for me.

Anyway, given that I have a tendency to eat in order to comfort myself emotionally, I figure that the saner I stay, the less likely I am to overindulge. And I'm certain that changing eating/exercising habits on a long-term basis is likely to do a lot more for one's health than dieting as such. It sounds like you're going about the changes you want to make in the way that's healthiest for you.

A rare philsophical comment

[liamstliam.livejournal.com]

My favorite question is: "What's the meaning of life?"

I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I know it has to do with leaving the world a better place than you found it and in making yourself happy on the way. I guess it's a karma thing.

I always squirm a little when people start quoting the Bibile to give me a direction in life (I suppose that's something a minister does all the time). I believe you can find justification for almost anything if you know where to look.

Your commentary strikes a number of chords. There are a couple folks on your friends list who know me and know that I am going through a difficult time letting theresat go her own way and become a young adult. She's going to be 20 in September, and I am trying to give her the space to grow. I'll make the occasional snarky comment in her LJ (dreadlocks, my butt!), but I certainly wouldn't say, "Go back to college and I will send you to Europe next summer."

For me, teaching is a be-all and end-all, most of the time. I pour my heart and soul into it. I wish I could be more balanced like you and pursue more of the other things.

In terms of you weight, I believe your happiness is more important. I know I need to pursue weight loss for health reasons, but even a "minor" stroke has not convinced me of that.

Anyway, not sure what I am telling you. I am probably telling you more about me than you.

Be happy. Follow your heart.

Liam