Oh fandom. Maybe I will quit you.

[browngirl]

So I was trying not to make this post, but I read too many discussions in short order to keep from doing so.

So I read N. K. Jemisyn's Things People Need to Understand, issue 223.2, which excellently states, "We have to shed this idea that SFF is somehow special. That it is perfect. That it is in any way better than the mainstream society from which it derives. It isn’t. And in fact, SFF’s manifest unwillingness to examine itself is one of the things that makes it worse than the mainstream." [And I just deleted a mini-rant concerning my opinions on the statements she was replying to, which isn't necessary considering this post of mine. So, moving right along...]

So I also read jimhines's Crap People Say About Sexual Harassment, which was further illuminating and depressing. A comment led me to this discussion on "taboo songs' in filk, where a bunch of people proudly proclaimed their Hatred of Censorship and Right to Sing Whatever They Want. It reminded me of the discussions about warnings in fic fandom, where one side doesn't want to be triggered as much and the other said, "you can't warn for every trigger in existence so you shouldn't bother warning for any of them, and asking me to warn is censoring me and I won't stand for that." Same thing here, but with filk. I suppose I benefited from the reminder of why I've left, but it was still disheartening.

Also, I came across the Overheard from the Smof Mailing List tumblr, which may go away soon due to the DCMA take-down notices being issued, and which is further illuminating and depressing as to how many in the backbone of fandom view... I was going to say 'the rest of us', but many of those pushing back against sexism and racism in fandom are just as much part of its backbone as those who view themselves as holding the line against the orc horde. ETA: However, in the comments here there's a discussion of that Tumblr, the accuracy and context of its quotations, and the harm it may have done to its seeming goal.

I was going to say more, but my Littlest Roommate requests my attention. So I'll close with a couple more links that warrant signal-boosting:

Things You Should Know About the Fallout
What Conventions Are and Aren't
Pride and Prejudice and Readercon
American Fandom goes to, err, War

Comments

Manners

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

Some people seem to forget that giving a warning to people is a matter not of censorship, but of manners. At our best, we employ manners in our lives to make social interactions easier for the people in our lives, be they total strangers or our dearest loves. Manners can be used as a weapon, but that is something that should be called out for what it is.

This does not mean that people all have the same concept of what good manners are. Leaving aside variability between cultures and subcultures, not everybody learns manners to the same standards even within a general culture. Also, you can have manners that are good in one culture but wrong in another culture, like how close you should be to someone else when having a decent conversation, or whether or not you should belch after a meal.

Look at the Littlest Roommate. She is routinely angry, loud, inappropriate and violent. Yes, she's wee and should not be expected to be as well-mannered as a grown-up. However, her preschool apparently considers her to be a fairly well-mannered child. And they've seen some tantrums.

Lots of adults assume that manners are easily learned, that all adults "should know what's right." I want all adults to know what good manners are, but I know from sad experience that not every adult has actually learned good manners--and some (some!) of us only lack a breadth of experience and a little good guidance.

Manners, like any other social skill, are something to be taught and learned, and not everybody can do so without explicit guidance. This point, I feel, is forgotten at times.

This does not excuse poor manners. When you want to be part of a community, it is incumbent on you to learn what kind of manners are good manners. On the flip side, a community should at least try to make its expectations of behavior and manners reasonably clear. Top diplomats do not learn the manners of their mission's country haphazardly or by simple osmosis. They get a lot of guidance, at least to start.

For all that many of us might snigger or groan at the thought of charm school, some basic education on manners would go a long way.

Re: Manners

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

As I said in person, this is an excellent meditation on manners.